Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Teaser Tuesday: the beginning of my new WIP

Hi, guys!

I'm nervous, because this is from my rough draft, but here is the opening I have so far for my new manuscript, Hollow Land. It's a post-apocalyptic fantasy/soft scifi (not sure which yet). I'd love to hear what you guys think. Enjoy!

HOLLOW LAND:

In the beginning were the giants; corporations so large they grew until they thought they could touch the sun. We knew them by their moldy letterhead, blowing through empty rows in abandoned office buildings. We knew them by their burned out signs groaning as they swung in the wind. We knew them by the newspapers we found in the darkness of the underground, untouched by time. Nemue City sleeps, but it doesn’t forget. Someone has to be responsible.

My parents said it started almost 80 years ago. Our grandmothers and grandfathers started it with hope for protecting the city, the country, our little piece of the world. Nothing terrifies your enemies like disease—a weapon they cannot shield against until it is too late. The carriers they produced, the mutated rats, pigeons, and roaches chewed through their cages and clawed their way to freedom through a wall of their creators. That’s when Nemue began to die, but not everything was wiped out.

This is the beginning, but it is by no means the end. Perhaps, to give you an idea of what you’re up against, what waits for you, I should start at the beginning of my own story. Then you can decide for yourselves what choices you will make.

8 comments:

Scott said...

Rebecca - I'm intrigued.

Suggestions:

1st Paragraph - stop at 'untouched by time' and then create a new paragraph with 'Nemue City sleeps . . .'

Current 2nd Paragraph - stop at 'through a wall of their creators' and then create a new paragraph with 'That's when Nemue began . . .'

My reasoning - 'Nemue City sleeps' seems to need separation from the rest of the paragraph, and same thing with the "That's when Nemue began . . .' For me, these are semi-dramatic moments that need to stand out on their own.

In fact, what about starting your story with "Nemue City sleeps, but it doesn't forget" and then do your intro paragraph?

I learned the hard way that sometimes swapping around opening paragraphs can really add 'bang' to an opening. I know this is your rough draft and there's a ton of stuff to do still. : )

Just some random, and hopefully not harsh at all, thoughts. I get a hint of where you're going with the story.

Best of luck.

S

Rebecca Knight said...

I appreciate the help, Scott! I like all of your suggestions, so much obliged!

I hate learning things the hard way. This is why I love posting this stuff--you guys rock!

Abby said...

This sounds really interesting! I would love to be a beta reader, when you're ready. :)

I think Scott made some really good suggestions. The only other thing I can see is in the last paragraph you have "This is the beginning, but it is by no means the end." Should it be "This isn't the beginning"? Just sounds a little confusing as is.

Rebecca Knight said...

Good point, Abby. I didn't catch that was confusing :P.

And I would love to have you as a beta! Yaaaaaay! I'd, of course, be delighted to return the favor, too. I love reading your stuff :D.

Danyelle said...

Nice. It will be interesting to see where you go with this. :D

christinefonseca said...

Loved Scott's suggestions. More importantly, really intrigued with the beginning! Very nice start.

Rebecca Knight said...

Thanks, guys! :D

ElanaJ said...

See, when you said "giant" I was like thinking giants you know, not the "giants." So that was awesome!