Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Guest Post: PJ Jones, Author of ROMANCE NOVEL

Today we have a very special guest poster:  P.J. Jones, author of the twisted spoof ROMANCE NOVEL!  I met P.J. while goofing around on the Kindle Boards talking to other authors, and something about her cover... struck me.... and I just knew I had to hear her story!

So, without further ado, take it away, P.J.!

From Tragedy to Parody, the Birth of ROMANCE NOVEL…by PJ Jones

A little over two years ago I’d become too tired to read, too sick to write and in too much pain to take care of my family. I was worse than a walking zombie. More like a sleeping zombie. Doctors couldn’t figure me out, so they just loaded me up on pain killers and anti-depressants. Whatever was attacking me seemed to come and go, and for a few brief days every month, I’d get these strange bursts of crazed hyperactivity. I was a zombie on speed. And during those short respites of wellness, Romance Novel was born.

It’s amazing how a writer can discover her funny bone when wallowing in self-pity. The first scene came to me when my husband had taken us on a trip to the coast, hoping that a change in environment would improve my condition. I don’t quite remember how it came about, but on the drive down, I frantically wrote a crude love scene on scraps of paper. I had no idea what to do with the scene, but I knew that somehow it had to go in a book.

I showed it to my critique group the following week and they laughed hysterically. They told me I must complete the novel. And so I wrote. By August of ’09, I, not my doctors, discovered the root of my illness, and after finding doctors who actually knew what they were doing, we began successful treatment.

By November of ’09 Romance Novel was finished. The only problem was that no publisher wanted it. Before my illness, I’d already published a few ‘real’ romance novels under other pen-names and thought I still knew the romance industry well. But what I didn’t know was that none of the many agents and editors I’d queried had a twisted enough sense of humor.
So the book sat, and sat, until my critique partners convinced me to self-publish through Kindle and Nook. The self-publishing model is fairly new, especially to someone who hadn’t been keeping up with the market. But I dove in headfirst and haven’t regretted my experience. From day one, I had my fingers crossed that romance readers and writers would ‘get it’. And get it, they have! I’ve already gotten two fabulous reviews from respected romance review sites and many more emails and reviews from readers wanting more from PJ Jones. None of my other published books were this well-received.

I’ve posted the love scene that started it all below. But before you read it, I’d like to leave you with this thought - if ever your life takes a nosedive right into the bottom of the toilet, remember that laughter really IS the best medicine. PJ

Becca:  So true, P.J. :)  I love hearing how your [s]crazy[/s] awesome book came about!  Now, let's get to that love scene....

Smella glared at him while tapping her foot. “Are you going to kiss me passionately or what?”

“Yes, of course.” He sat up and grabbed her in a passionate embrace, thrusting his tongue deep inside her mouth, moving it about for a reasonable amount of time, until his pants felt so tight, he worried he’d bust a seam. Pulling back a few inches, he looked into her heavy lidded eyes, noting with satisfaction how she panted and swooned. “How’s that?” he asked.

She brushed the sleeve of her tweed coat across her passion-soaked lips. “Gawd, did you have onions for dinner?”

“Sorry.” Snake winced, wishing he’d laid off the salsa when he’d eaten those fish tacos. “Do you want me to brush?”

“No,” Looking like she had her own dirty little secret to share, she toyed her fingers while playfully biting her lower lip. “I haven’t washed my delicate blossoming flower in over a month, so now we’re even.”
“That’s disgusting!” He gagged, releasing Smella’s shoulders. He was so disgusted, that a tiny amount of bile projected into the back of his throat.
She flopped back into her bean bag. “Women hardly bathe in medieval times,” she huffed.
“It’s 2011,” he corrected.
Smella sat up and jammed a finger in his chest. “Are you going to point out every historical inaccuracy in this convoluted story-line?”
“I guess not,” he grimaced while wondering if three condoms would be enough to shield his penis from her skanky crotch.

Grasping his hand, she placed his palm on her ample breast.
That seemed to do the trick, because Snake had already forgotten what had him so grossed out just a few moments earlier. All that mattered was that he had a boob in his hand.

Leaning over, she rasped into his ear in a sultry voice. “I’m going to faint next time you kiss me. That’s your cue to carry me into the bedroom.”

A thing of rare beauty :). 

Click HERE to sample or purchase ROMANCE NOVEL for $0.99, or to get to know P.J. better, check out her blog:  Unicorns, Tampons, and Other Girly Things.

Thanks so much for coming, P.J., and best of luck to you!


Alisha said...

Hi, PJ!!! Why have you been hogging Flabio? You know how much I adore him and his moobs and besides, I'm very clean. He'll appreciate a woman who likes to shower daily.

But seriously, you've written a hysterical masterpiece. I see agents contacting you for a movie in the near future. REALLY! Who would play Flabio? Jack Black!!!!! You think? And who would play Smella? Rosie O'D? Ewww. Or Roseanne Barr?

My sides still hurt from laughing so hard!

Rebecca Knight said...

I think the friend from Hot Fuzz and Sean of the Dead looks like a ringer! :D

Thanks for stopping by, Alisha!

PJ said...

Hey, Alisha, thanks for stopping by and THANKS Rebecca for sharing my story.

I would like to see someone like Will Ferrell play FLABIO. I'm sure the art dept. can design some nice sized MOOBS for Will. Since he's a hilarious character actor, he'd have a great cheesy Italian accent. I think Heather Graham would make a great Smella. PJ

Rebecca Knight said...

I would watch the CRAP out of that movie.

PJ Jones said...

And, believe me, that movie can squeeze out a LOT of crap!

alan nayes said...

Smella? what a great name--in this case. i think while reading your excerpt, pj, my computer actually "leaked" a smella-like odor. Ugh--i need to clean my damn keyboard i guess.

Anonymous said...

Loved it! Nice to see kindle friends hanging out on a blog. :) Great article..great blog. Jeanne

Shéa MacLeod said...

Hey PJ! Loved hearing how Romance Novel came about. It's truly, fabulously, psychotically funny. May you sell billions!

PJ Jones said...

Alan, that kind of thing tends to happen when people read my book. Sorry for the mess. PJ

PJ Jones said...

Jeanne, welcome Kindle friend!

PJ Jones said...

Shea, so glad you got a chance to laugh your pants off. Thanks for stopping by. Oh, lookie! Two sentences ending with prepositions. Good thing my HS English teacher isn't here.

Rebecca Knight said...

Thank you all for visiting, especially you, PJ! :D What fun!